I know I have 3 wonderful kids and I love them with all that I am. I am grateful that I have them and I would do anything for them. But I feel like there is one more. I feel heartbroken at the thought of not having one more. Not ever being pregnant again, or feeling a baby move in my tummy. Seeing it's arms and legs moving under the skin. Never giving birth (crazy, i know, but it's magical as well as painful. Worth every second) Never nursing my little baby or having a newborn.
There are days when it consumes me. I'll be standing washing the dishes and watching the kids play outside and i 'll just start crying. Wishing Ethan had a brother or Samantha had a little brother or sister. Paige wants us to have a little baby really bad so she can help me with everything. I was the youngest of 4. What if my parents hadn't wanted another kid. I think of my brother and sisters and I and how much fun we had growing up. You always had a buddy. You never had to sit in a row in the van by yourself. I remember one time going to the grocery store with my mom, all 4 of us kids and my mom was holding Sean and Katherine's hands and Elizabeth holding mine. She was the "paige" in the family. The oldest, always looking out, always helping Mom. I want Paige to have that. Paige wants Paige to have that.
I know this is a lot of emotion and complaining. It's just really hit me hard lately. I needed to get it out. Talk to someone. Thanks for listening.
2 comments:
Um...has Jim read this? Maybe you should print it out and give it to him and have a little chat... Hope you're feeling better! I hear ya on the wanting to have babies deal!!! Boy, do I... ;)
This is something for you and Jim to pray about. The Lord will help you if he has one more for you! I take it you are physically able to have more? It killed me to have a hysterectomy when I was 32, we wanted one more.
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